cards...

bored. so i thought i'd like to share what i learned

did you know that...

there are 52 cards which represent the 52 weeks in a year. there are 13 numbers in each suit to represent the 13 cycles of the moon. there are 4 suits to represent the 4 seasons. red and black are meant to represent the constant change from day to night. if you added each of the cards up, they would end up with 365, the number of days in a year.

the things you learn not sleeping... sigh.

open late.

sigh... i hate summer because it totally screws up my sleeping patterns. i tend to stay up til i have to wake kim up so she can get ready.

at 4 in the morning...

then i get to sleep while she rides the train and goes off to work scanning and getting paper cuts for an amazing amount of money. jealin'...

BLAH. i wish i could sleep. i was sooo thinking i was gunna sleep after that last lame game of DotA but yeah. i just laid in bed tossing and turning and was like... there for an hour doing nothing. totally could have gotten one more decent game in with the usuals.

i was looking at cyn's blog and i'm jealous. jealous of all those pictures. she's so cool and is quite the photographer. i wish i was into my craft as much as i was before... i really need to get my wide angle back from marco. and... actually treat photography as a hobby. -_-

NAPS SUCK. totally wasn't planning on napping. and i have a meeting at church today. sighhh. at 930. hopefully i'll be ok to go there on time and not fall asleep.

s0o... i hate cops. well no, but i hate that i get caught speeding. i went up to stockton to visit kimbutt since she's been away for a long time. honestly, i just did it out of impulse and got there in time to surprise her after she got off her train. i wish i had a camera. or... used my camera. hahaha. iono... i totally hate the fact that i got impatient and sped too fast. i mean... i was 10 minutes away from my destination and the cop decides to bust a U on the freeway. across the middle divider. WHO DOES THAT? but yeah. i deserved it. 80 in a 70. hopefully i don't have to go to court kuz then i have to drive way the heck up there.

but yeah. when i got there, the look on her face when i drove up was just... iono. totally priceless. it was a... omg what are you doing here, what the hell is going on, is this forreal, why are you here, am i dreaming, im going to cry, etc etc kind of face.

i loved it.

we spent so much time... tryint to decide what to do. then after finding out what to do, we were screwed again right after with an awkward incident. weird and totally not what i was expecting or what i wanted from my time up there... but still. kim was there and that was the whole reason for it.

but driving home at 3am from stockton straight to long beach on less than 2 hours of sleep is NOT the business. i went through like... 15 of my old cds. thank goodness the sun came up to keep me awake. i was so excited to almost be home but yeah... i hit morning LA traffic. sucky. haha. but yeah. sleeping is wonderful. i didn't sleep til like 9. hahaha.

oh gosh. and... i recently got into bikes! spent a lil over 200 on my bike and i must say, it is quite the sexy. i want to like... buy a lock now so i can be like the cool guys at school who have cute bikes. i want to show it off. ahhaha. im so lame... BUT! i did get a compliment from two bikers at chipotle the other day. it gave me quite the smile. i just painted my wheels too to make it extra cute. =P

zomg my hair is sooo annoying being this long. ricky moved to fontana so his availability for haircuts isn't the same. sighhh... but it looks ok. i dyed a lil of it when kim was over dying her hair. very discrete. hahaha. you probably wouldn't notice if you saw it. but yeah. i was just trying to think of what is on my mind and i was messing with my hair and yeah.

honestly i'm just spilling out anything that's in my mind. something to pass the time til i call kim to wake her up for work again then attempt to fall asleep. this and the offive is making me fall asleep tho which is good...




"it feels so good, my feet don't touch the ground"
-creed singing karaoke; a benihana christmas.

goodnight

up late.

zomg what a day... -___________- semi non eventful, but in a way, eventful

so i woke up and yeah. caught up on my devotions and stuff. made breakfast with rj. made THEE BEST breakfast sandwich ever in life. well... it was good that i made it myself. a toasted bagel with scrambled eggs, bacon, cheese, and hot sauce. ZOMG. wow. eat your heart out fast food chain breakfast menus. i actually took a picture but i'm lazy to upload...

then yeah. apparently i got back into dota. oh gosh... what a loser right? who plays warcraft anymore... i do. hahaha. i played from like 2 til 6 game after game with derrick, dj, phil, and darryl. oh man. i suck. hahaha. but yeah. fun stuff. i should have studied tho... UGH! man i'm not good at this school business. we'll see how things go. but yeah.

after that, i took a power nap before bible study. yeppers. bought drinks and stuff. ate. it started kinda late but yeah. good stuff.

now the good part. well... not good, but interesting. SO. i got home around 120 and was sooo ready to sit down and get in a good game of dota. then i get a text message from S and yeah. random... kuz we never really talk. she goes to a different church now so we've kinda drifted. but yeah. apparently she and her friend stole their mom's car and went joy riding. but when they got home, S's mom was there to pick them up so they panicked and drove it around and parked it far from the house and yeah. so they wanted me to drive over and move it for them. oh did i mention this car was somewhere in north long beach? i was so like... wow i don't wanna do this... but something just pushed me and said i have to. what else would i do? saying no to something like this isn't really in my nature. so i called and got directions and instructions on what to do. i sounded kinda mad but i think i was just kinda cranky kuz i'm getting sleepy. but yeah. surprisingly, it got done safely. found the car, drove it to the house, walked back to my car, and drove home.

when i wanted to blog about this, i pictured it sounding so much more interesting in my mind. but yeah. iono... it's kinda cool how i feel i can still be a big brother to S even though we've drifted. i guess we'll always have that kind of bond since we pretty much grew up together. i was happy to help. and surprised she called me... out of everyone. how cool. hahaha.

sighhh... im so tired. but God is good. i'm glad i was able to be used to be a blessing to those kids. hopefully by this, they'll learn to make better decisions in life and not be stupid. ahahha

oh highschoolers... goodnight world.

sanctuary.

not really sure why i'm blogging. i just... have nothing to do. just at church in the sanctuary with my laptop listening to music trying to think of what songs i should get out for worship practice today.

this week has been hard. honestly one of the hardest weeks this year from school. early morning classes, deadlines for projects and papers, tests, tinikling practice, and loss of sleep trying to get everything done. redic.

i just thank God so much for getting me through it and making it not so painful. like... it hurts and wears me down to a point where i felt like i couldn't even make it. honestly. i woke up and was just... i can't do this. there's just TOO MUCH on my shoulders to handle and it feels like any moment would turn into my breaking point.

but i know that when it comes to those times... all i can do is just pray. pray for strength, pray for hope, pray for myself to trust that it's part of something greater and that God will see me through it.

and He did. here i am today alive and well with all those things behind me. all i can do is say thanks over and over. for provision and blessings.

blessings. they are so amazing. i was talking to jon marc and asking him to pray for me that this past week would get easier and he gave me a great way to count my blessings when i was feeling down. it's really cool. i suggest you try it.

so the thing is to start with something small that you have and count blessings connected to that. so i was driving to school thinking about that and i thought of my sunglasses.

something so small. SUNGLASSES. but then i remembered who gave them to me. kim. she's such a blessing to my life in more ways than i can count. everything she does for me and with me is always such a blessing. then i think about how i met her. school. im so blessed that i have the opportunity to go to school when people don't even get that chance in many places of the world. others are forced to go to work so early in life to provide for their family. family. thank you for my parents who were so blessed that i don't have to worry so much as i grow up about where i need to get money from of or everything is going to be alright because they have a firm foundation for their children. then my house. even just my bed. that they provide that and i can be warm at night when i sleep. and i can shower in the morning. WITH WARM WATER. because cold showers would suck. and that i can be clean. no one would come near me if i wasn't clean. i would stink... hahaha.

and seriously, the list can go ON AND ON. no joke. i take life for granted so much because i think those things will always be there. but what if they weren't? life would be so hard. but God blessed me and my family and friends so dearly that i wouldn't have to go through that.

it just makes me feel dumb that i worried. once again, i worry too much. has not God gotten me through so many things already. from beginning of my life to now, and will continue to. so why should i ever worry? if He hasn't left me before, after 19, almost 20 years of my life, there's no reason i should think that He'll leave me anytime soon.

wide, high, long, deep.

that's God's love for me. for ALL of us. no matter if you believe in Him or not, if you don't want a relationship with Him or not, no matter who you are or what you've done. He has a love greater than anything we could ever know on from this earth. it's better than life.



iono how to end this.

abundance

i love it when i read something in my devotional and like... yeah i believe it. but it's so much better when God shows it to me and like puts it in my face. it just make me believe in Him more and more and want to trust Him with everything.

basically, my devotion was about how God never does anything for you half way. He always gives you so much. like for example... asking for your mom to buy you this shirt, and instead, she buys you that shirt, PLUS all these other shirts you want and you didn't even have to ask. cool stuff right?

well i saw it last night. when i went out to get dinner with kim. she was all stressed out because of work and all the school stuff she has to do. i would be stressed and worried too. then things got even worse when she couldn't make up her mind about the food she wanted. did she want to save money, did she want to get food. so we decided after driving around to just go home and she'll just make herself some dinner. but then we saw this pizza place and decided to go in. she ordered herself a mini pizza and a side salad. then when we got up to get our order, the worker said we won the lottery with food. i was like... uhh... wth? so apparently, they read the order wrong and instead of making a mini pizza, we got a medium. and on top of that, the ran out of side salads, so instead we got a family size salad. so dinner for two! how awesome right? and we didn't get charged any extra. =D WOWOWOW

another thing. God's timing is so perfect. never too early, never too late. always on time. kim needed a break and way to relax. without having to pray about it, just as we learned in bible study, the Holy Spirit intervened for us and gave that worry up to God. and God provided. not just enough. any little pizza would have been enough. but He gave A LOT. hahaha. we were so full! it was great. =D

gotta love God for that.

also, just wanted to remember today. ria accepted Christ into her heart today! HOW EXCITING! nani called me and told me and i was like... iono how to react. but it's so exciting to know that! now God can really start doing wonders for her.

yay!

from the inside out.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the insode out,
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out.

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

--------------------------------

this song means so much to me. just because... the lyrics speak so much to me about myself and my struggle in life trying to be the person that God wants me to be. at times it gets so hard and the things of this world just break me down and all i can do is stumble and stumble and stumble. i pride myself in being a christian and having Christ in my life but so many times i need to check myself and see is God really my number one? am i really living for Him or for my own desires?

just because i am christian doesn't mean i am any different than the next guy. i am not immune to being myself. being human. it's in my nature to sin. over and over. and iono... it just hurts so much knowing that i'm supposed to be an ambassador of Christ and too many times have i fallen short of that name. getting caught up in the moment or doing things for myself. thinking too little before it's too late.

it sucks. it just breaks my heart knowing that... God tells me not to do these things and He knows that when i do it, nothing good will come out of it and i'll end up hurting myself. but yet, i don't even listen. i do it anyways just for the hell of it. and just as He has told me before, i end up feeling empty still. i find myself saying that i should have just listened...

hope.

life is hard. but thank God that He loves us so unconditionally... a love that gives so freely. 1 corinthians 13 talks about LOVE. a very famous verse in followers of God and even those who aren't because it talks about what true love is. patient, kind, hopeful, slow to anger. so many of these things. and all of this, i know my Father has for me. everytime i sin, i feel convicted and hate myself but i know i shouldn't dwell on it because despite the fact that i did do it, my Father still loves me regardless. that was Jesus' purpose. He knew that we are born into this sin and that we can never be perfect in order to get into heaven. that's why He had to die for us. for me. the idea that when Christ was on that cross and as He died, He saw me. He had me in His mind and bit the bullet so willingly. a son who isn't even worthy to be called son. a person that shouldn't even be recognized by God.

but with this, God gives us hope for a better future. through these problems and trials, my life is being refined. slowly, step by step, God is making me into a better person. that is my hope. this amazing love that runs to us ready to save me when i need it most. and any other time i need it.

and this love never dies. it's everlasting.

sigh... God is awesome. sometimes, the worst of me has to come out in order for me to see God and allow Him to reveal the best in me.





its always, always, always about LOVE...

blessed.

blessed more than i could ever imagine. more than i deserve. more than i need.

God is good all the time. and all the time, God is good.

just gotta trust and live according to what He wants for you, not what you want for yourself.

sounds yuck to some people. understandable. but yeah. it brings me happiness that doesn't fade.




i want a magic bullet. hahaha. SIGH...

yuck... driving to lancaster was of the UGNESS today. freaking kim and i wasted 4 hours of life... ZOMBY. sigh. and i get to drive out there again to pick up my brother. i'm not driving him there anymore. the only way he's getting there is if he learns how to drive. i don't care. hahaha. i am NOT driving out there again. that was... the complete opposite of fun and how i would have liked to spend my friday. and i drove there right after an anatomy quiz and sociology midterm that i stayed up til 3 the night before doing. anatomy was at 8... hahaha. lariz and i fell asleep in the union and the little kids on tours got to see what college is really about. studying till your eyes fall out and you end up collapsing on chairs in public.

thas wussup.

bible study was awes. kyrstin came this week. yay! i'm glad she did. it's so fun having my friends come with me to bible study. it's a great thing for all of us to share together. there really is no better way for us to spend our friday nights.

it's cold. hahaha. that is all.

DINGLEBERRIES?!

AH HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH

ENGL-WOOD

so bored in english class. this is so bad. i hate bringing my laptoop to school because i HELLA cannot focus on anything the teacher is talking about. i'm torn between iss, blogspot, my paper due at 5, and whatevers going on in class. SIGHHHHHH

so this girl WOULD give me her number in class... hahahaha. oh gosh. just thought it was funny. we have socio together and yeah. we have our final tomorrow so she offered to send me some notes which is nice. i wanted to sign onto aim and send her my email because it's so embarassing to say. but then she's like OR YOU CAN JUST TEXT ME... my number is.... da da da

nice move. hahaha. she's nice though. more friends in class is always good.

there there's this one girl who always comes in late. i think it's because she's so focused on her looks. iono if i'm just being shallow or i can read her character but yeah. she always comes in LATE but she dresses really... iono. white washed? then she always wears too much makeup. iono... i'm not saying make up is bad or anything. i just think if it's not THAT necessary, don't put so much on. i love it when girls wear subtle makeup to ENHANCE their already natural beauty. not when they think OH IM UGLY, I'LL COVER IT UP WITH MAKEUP...

oh gosh. i hope no one hates me if they wear a lot of makeup...

brown leather jacket, beater with semi see through material green shirt. skinny jeans, slippers, big circular dangly earings, HUGE victoria secret pink, blackberry with ELECTRIC pink case

but of course, that's just the outer appearance i see of this girl. i'm sure there's so much more under all those things. animal number 1 of 3. hahaha

blah. ok i'll blog more about my day later. hahaha. i wanna like... blog about the different places i'm at. ios, geog class, pac meeting, practice.

hmmmm. sounds like a great COLLECTION. hahaha. so gay.

jeff is cute.

perfect timing//on and on.

in my experience, there is no such thing as PERFECT timing. sad to say, but to me, there is no such thing.

but there is for me, God's timing. for me, that's so much better than perfect.

whatever happens in my life, good or bad, i know it's right. it's exactly where God wants me to be in life at that very moment. God doesn't miss. He's never too early or comes late. whether the circumstances be good or bad, i know that there is a reason for it all. there's a purpose so much bigger than i can see. because all i can see is the current. what's happening NOW is what matters to me. but i know my God has such a greater plan for me. so much bigger and greater than i can even comprehend. He is my father who always has His best in mind for me. i am His beloved. i am His and He is mine.

He is my shepherd. as long as i am the sheep, i will always do my best to keep my eyes fixed on the shepherd that guides me. even though there are dark valleys that i might go through, i won't be afraid. my Father is there. always there no matter what. there is NOTHING that can separate us. while walking, i might stray away from the path He has set out for me, but i know that He keeps His eye on me all the time and is there to lead me back when the time is right. His rod and staff give me comfort because with that staff, He protects me from harm. He will never let me fall. things may happen that may seem to be bad, but i know they're all trials for me to build my character. things may get hard, but i know it's never something that i cannot overcome. God will provide everything i need to overcome that obstacle. He gives more than enough. He is more than enough...

time and time again, i keep going back to this theme when it comes to writing about my faith. my relationship with God...

it is always, always, ALWAYS about love.

all the things i see around me. all the things that happen in my life. all the amazing things i learn. even the things that may hurt me for a moment. i know it's all out of the love of my amazing Father. everything has a purpose. and behind that purpose is this unfailing love that will never let me down.

oh my gosh. i cannot believe how amazing this love is. knowing that... no matter how many times i deserve for God to turn away from me and have Him say that i am nothing to Him, i know that won't happen. when i hurt Him with the things i do and say, i don't even have to turn to Him first. i see my Father running towards me. TO CATCH ME. TO HOLD ME. TO KEEP ME SAFE. TO COMFORT ME.

to tell me i'm worth something.

there's so many things i've done in my life that make me the worst person ever. no one ever knows because i wear masks all the time to hide them. but the one person who can see past all these masks is my God. He knows my heart. He created it. even before my parents were thinking about each other, God had me in mind planning out every SINGLE step i was going to take in life. all the places i've been. all the things i've done. all the sins i've committed. i know that God planned out all those things. everything planned to the exact perfect moment. perfect not in my eyes, but to God, it is perfect. because He is perfect.

this is how i know my God is real. it's so much more than a religion. relgion is like... a way for man to find out about eternity or what happens after death and what to do in life to get there or at least try.

for me, it is this amazing relationship. without God, who knows where i would be. He's my crutch through everything in my life. not just a crutch, but He carries me when i can't walk on my own. always holding my hand and never letting me go.

there are so many instances in my life, especially these past few months, that without having God to turn to for comfort, i don't know how i would have gotten through them. without having that connection to give all my problems up to Him, my shoulders would have broken under the pressure of all these things. things that i know i would not have been able to manage without Him being there to share the load.





i just really felt i needed to let all those things out. to reconnect with my Father. these bad situations in life... they get so hard sometimes and i am so tempted to cry out to God for Him to just take it all away and let me get on with my life. but i know that thorn in my foot is there for a reason. i have these burdens and sins in my life so i can build my dependence on my Father over and over. it keeps me reminded that i really do need Him and i should bring anything and everything to Him no matter what. i have to give Him my best, so that He can give me His best.



SO BRING ON THE THORNS! IT'S WHAT I NEED.
they can bring me down, but they can't hold me there.



my problems and worries may be big, but my God is bigger...

cyncha

so... i guess it's cool that i get to have my photo up in a show in london, but i think it's WAY cooler that CYN'S picture is going to be in a BOOK of hotspots around LA.

WOW! IM SO J...




i'd soooo rather have a book with my picture in it than have it in a show in london. hahaha. CONGRATS CYN! imma tell my kids I KNOW HER when ur a famous photographer.

ama-awes-DEF!

zomg im so excited! so i thought it would be a typical night of just staying in and doing homework. NAAAAT!

i go on my flickr because... i have a list on my dashboard of the sites i check when i'm bored. so i finally get to my flickr and i have a message. i open it up and... this guy from london saw my picture and said he wants to display it in a show in LONDON called Nocturnal from april-may. it's a community based project that has a message about light and light bulbs. i forget but yeah.

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! i mean it's cool that my pictures are online and people from all over the world can see them in computers. BUT IN A SHOW IN LONDON?! WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?! never in LIFE would i ever think this would happen. WOW!

God is awesome for giving me this joy and the gift of photography. SO COOL!!!!!!!!!!!! i would love to fly out to london and be like... yeah. i took that picture. what about it? with like some super cool face like it's no big deal. HAHAHAHA!

zomy... that is super cool. out of all my circle of friends that are photographers, i would NOT think i would be the one who would be found by some guy and have my picture picked. i'm not even that great. HONESTLY. i guess i get lucky sometimes. =P

i love my friends. the fact that we can share experiences together is so great. o0o and i love how they're always there to help! lariz and i trade off when we're really tired to take notes in classes for each other. =D team work ftw! so yeah. we decided that i would sleep in today.

and OH MAN. that dream was AMA-AWES-DEF WTH! i dreamt we bought a new house but it was right next to my old one. it was SO BIG! it was kinda sad looking outside at our old house and see that no one lived there anymore. but yeah. this new house. WOW! i went out to the back and they were still setting up the garage. but don't mistake this for ANY garage. it was like... FREAKING HUGE! they were setting it up to be like... a place we would have concerts or something. that's what it looked like to me. then there was like this... weird building where apparently tv shows were being shot. and like... there were spots in the wall where we could WALK THROUGH so we could watch the show being taped without being in the way. THAT WAS SO COOL! then i remember something about... going to seaworld with like 208398429384 filipinos. wth. hahaha. i remember there being this little kid who was being emo kuz his girlfriend broke up with him and he was in a tower and wouldn't come down. so i was like... yelling at him? hahaha. iono... I SWEAR I'M NOT MEAN! then there were dolphins so lariz and i just stood watching them swim. then we got these water guns that shoot water. but the water wasn't just a stream. they were like BULLETS but in the shape of DOLPHINS. WTH!!! that was SO DOPE!.



ok that's it. i need to get ready for schoolio. -_- hahaha yay!

interesting +1

i thought this was soooo cool

i hope whoever reads this is getting something from it. not that i'm writing because i want you to hear it, because i don't. like i do, but this is mostly a blog for myself. but yeah. whatever.

so i was doing my devotional and i just read about like... the Holy Spirit how when we accept Christ into our lives, we are filled with it and our souls are sealed for heaven forever. then it said that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don't know how to pray.

Romans 8:26
²⁶In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for ^A)we do not know how to pray as we should, but ^B)the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words

it just reminded me of the little kids i teach at church. like before we start and before we end, we always pray. and then... it's always WHO WANTS TO PRAY! everyone wants to TALK before about stuff, but no one wants to pray. so i end up praying and stuff. hahaha. but i thought it was so cool how God thought through every single problem we may have. a lot of people don't know how to pray exactly and get scared because they don't want to sound stupid or whatever. that's how i felt. some people would say these amazing prayers that are so long and heartfelt. then when i'd pray it's like... uhh... ok that's it? hahaha.

it's just amazing that even when we don't pray, God knows that we want to and what we need so when we can't find the words, it's alright because God knows our hearts. He created them. He had us in mind way before we were born. so He knows exactly what you need all the time. even before you ask Him for it.




like i said. it's all about LOVE.

interestingness

just some quick points from my devotional i wanted to get down before i went to school.

if you wanna read with me, joey, and ria, the devotion we read is

http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4943547/k.2A53/Early_Light_Devotional__In_Touch_Ministries/apps/nl/newsletter.asp

=D

well yeah. it was just cool when i learned some thing's i never really thought of. so like... Jesus was God's son right, and you see a lot how much God loved Him and always took care of Him because they were one. that's the trinity, God, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. but that oneness isn't just something between God and Jesus. we are ALL God's children when we accept Jesus as our savior and follow Him. God wants that same oneness with us.

i find that so amazing. that the creator of the WORLD. not just the world. THE UNIVERSE. so big and powerful that i can barely fathom. HE wants to have this close relationship with ME. with all of us individually. just thought that was interesting because i never really thought of it like that.

also, the Holy Spirit gives us guidance everyday with what to do. if we should do this and that. we have to face decisions like 2380984092834 everyday. and it's so great how when it comes to hard decisions, all you have to do is ask God for guidance and He will give it to you. you just have to ask. and who would you rely more on when asking for guidance? a hunch you have yourself, or the knowledge of the person who made you and everything else?

and when i say God will give you guidance, i don't mean you will hear some voice out of nowhere or you will see God and He'll tell you. it's something that comes from within. from the heart that tells you what is right. something from maybe... iono. reading something in the bible that will help you or asking the right people. it's hard to explain. something like tugs at your heart saying "THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY, I WANT YOU TO DO THIS"

and lastly since i'm going to school soon... hahaha. God always provides enough for us. no matter what. God loves us. HE WANTS US TO BE HAPPY. HE WANTS TO GIVE US BLESSINGS. and He won't stop loving you despite how many times we fail Him or do things against Him. His love is unfailing and won't give up. when we stop looking to Him for help, HE RUNS TO US. because He is our Father and calls us His beloved.

God loved His Son Jesus so much. so much than we could understand. but even though He loved Him that much, He still chose to give Him up for US. these children that barely even have that ONENESS with Him.

amazing love. it's all about love. it's all out of love.

out of bored.

today felt like... such a waste. hahaha. well it wasn't. i just slept a lot.

woke up SUPER super early to study. yuck. i hate studying. the test surprisingly was not that intense. like... it was hard of course. but i knew a lot of the things. i just hope i did as well as i think i did... then yeah. super boring long break. just print hw, write out the 30 toys i had to research for my socio project and yeah. BLAH. so tedious. i hate it. then just sit in the maxson center playing video games with justin and ria. zomy...

BORING I TELL YOU!!!

then sociology. i fell asleep again! ugh... but yeah. got done with my week! PRAISE GOD! it was one of the hardest school weeks by far. AND I DID IT! proud right? hahaha.

then yeah... went to target to buy clothes. sadly i forgot about buying some body wash... -___- which was half of the reason i went there in the first place. i guess i got too excited for buying shirts. hahaha. target is kinda stepping it up clothing wise. hahaha. a lot of great stuff. the guys section is NOTHING compared to the girls but yeah. they even reminded me of like... a wanna be american apparel with these super trendy color blank tees.

i kinda hate buying new clothes because they have those ugly creases in the shirt when you put it on. i always have to wash them. but then you wash and you get scared because you might dry it wrong and end up with a shirt half the size you wanted with a super retarded looking colar that looks like belongs to part of a brain instead of on your neck. a little joke about pia mater or the gyri and sulci for you health and human services majors. HAHAHA.

that was not funny.

then yeah. went home and got excited looking all these BIG BOXES. RJ'S CLOTHES! ALL MINE!!! FINALLY!!! so i grabbed a knife and destoryed the tape and rummaged through all the boxes. there were about... 6? COOL RIGHT?! THINK OF ALL THE CLOTHES!!!

that was fun not.

sigh... turns out one box was just full of scarves, another was a small tv, another was shoes that do not fit, and others were these super ugly jackets. hahaha. sorry rj. i had SUCH HIGH HOPES for you. you failed me...

BUT THEN... i saw the huge duffel bag. SHIRTS!!! so i opened that sucker up with the quickness. SHIRTS!!! hahaha. zomg... BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME EVER IN LIFE! i spent like... a good 15-20 mins looking and yeah. all i found was... a sweater that was like super bright blue which i do not even like that much. and all the clothes smelled like they were stacked in boxes next to a cargo full of dirty chicken. so of course, i in turn smelled like those animals.

shower obv.

then cook some amazing tilapia if i say so myself. yummy. then play catch up with some well deserved sleep. yizzur.


yay bible study tonight. i'm excited. this is why God chose to give me a van and not some awesome civic that i would spend bills on to make it jdm.

oh japanese domestic... how i used to love you.


THASS IT.

God is.

my strength
saving grace
hope
peace
joy

no problem is greater than God's provision for us to endure it and find that peace within the storm.
nothing is bigger than God.


no joke, devotionals are amazing and are THE WAY to start the day. especially before you cram RIGHT BEFORE a midterm. hahaha.



GOD IS BIGGER THAN ANATOMY TESTS! HAHAHA<333

worth it.

not only do i get to save a life...



i save money on snacks for school. HAHAHAHA!

tears.

today, i couldn't help but cry. i hate when people leave my life. it's like... one of the FEW things that break me. my God, and my loves. those two things are the only things that can break my heart like that. i just stood there in the shower trying my hardest to hold back my tears. and even now, i can't hold them back...

i think back to times when i used to hate my dad because of all the restrictions and how he would yell at me for things. that's just his character. but i took it for granted. i took HIM for granted. i grew comfortable with the idea that when i get home, he'll automatically be there. we wouldn't really talk because we'd always be busy with our own thing. and now he's going to be gone from my family for 6 months. i seriously wanted to YELL that right now. because I HATE MYSELF for not spending time with my dad like i would have wanted. i always complained that my family wasn't that close because we're always off in our own separate worlds that are our computers and rooms. but it's not just their fault, IT WAS MINE. i didn't make the effort to do those things.

i just hope it's not too late.

i love my father SO MUCH. even though he can be hard at times, i know he was always putting my best first in his mind. he told me things i didn't want to hear, but i needed to hear. he held me when i needed someone. i just pray SO HARD that when he's gone these few weeks, God just watches over him so closely that when he's in the philippines doing God's work, he'll be able to come home to us safely.

i'm even more scared for my mom. i don't even know how she's going to deal with this separation. my parents are THE BEST team. i have never met parents like them. not just because they're my own and i'm so grateful to have them, but i never have seen parents devoted so greatly to God. making God the center of everything. it's amazing. it's what keeps them together.

it's like... they're the perfect example of God's love for us, His children. my mother is the soft side that shows so much compassion. a love that never grows cold. one that is ALWAYS there to come running to when you're broken and she'll be there to comfort you and let you know everything is going to be alright. my father, the firm love that won't let you quit on yourself. the kind that is hard on you, but never too hard to break you. one that challenges you to help develop your character into the right person. but at the same time, he has a soft side that knows when you need to feel that love and just be like that mother. and he isn't afraid to show it. real men today are so stupid. you need to be MACHO and super strong and not show your true feelings. it takes courage and a real man to be secure in himself that it's ok to show your true feelings and cry or something. anyone can put up a mask, a facade. how many of you are willing to take down those walls and let yourself be vulnerable?

i'm not saying i'm a real man or anyting, because i honestly don't think i am.




God's love is so great. greater than we can ever imagine. He is our Father. one that loves us so much, these children that don't even know Him or acknowledge Him for the things He does for us all the time. He died for us, DIED. like... went through the greatest punishment EVER IN LIFE for us. these children so undeserving. who are WE that this great God would put His life on the line, His son. we broke the laws of our Lord, so we deserve death to fulfill that penalty put on our sins. but no, God said that He would take the punishment for us instead. He loved us that much. so much. a love that this world can never show you. nothing on this earth can match this great love. it's like trying to shove a square shape into a triangle shaped hole. nothing's going to fit. thing's may seem to fit and slip through, but how long does that last?



iono where i'm going with this. just random thoughts running through my head after my devotional.



have you ever done a devotional? you should try it. it takes like less than 10 minutes to read. it could change your life.

God loves you. so much. embrace it.

1's and 2's

sigh... i wish my dreams of turntablism worked out better.

i really miss my stanton t.60s. i just wish i had a better mixer that cuts clean instead of the crap i had. AND i wish the lady at stupid guitar center didn't lie and sell me the fake idea of serato. sigh...

scratching is so dope! but yeah. quite the expensiveness. oh well.



can't get everything you want in life. just be thankful for what God has already blessed you with, right?






i want cookies and milk... hahaha

chance.

ever hear the story of job?

God and satan had an idea to test job, one of God's greatest followers. the deal was to let satan do whatever to him, but not kill him and they were to see if He would curse God. so satan killed his whole family, destroyed his riches, killed off all his flocks. furthermore, he was inflicted with burning boils all over his body which he ended up just scratching with a piece of a pot.

imagine that. losing EVERYTHING you had. everything you've ever worked for. EVERYTHING. that's such a hard thing to fathom. i can barely imagine my life without the people in it. even just not having the bed i'm laying in right now.

the amazing thing is that despite the tragedy and everything that was happening, job NEVER cursed God. job didn't know the circumstances or reason why this was happening, but he trusten in his Lord that it was His will. still he praised God no matter what.

NO MATTER WHAT.

you know, many people believe in chance and luck. stuff of that sorts. but for me, i know my life isn't just a big clutter of happenings that I can define by the things i do. everything i do, it happens for a reason. the feelings i feel, the thoughts i think, everything. it all happens because God put it in me. not myself.

chance has no part in our life. nothing comes into our lives without God's permission.





crazy huh.


just wanted to share my devotion with whoever's out there reading. hope you took something from it.

have a blessed day.

worry.

i worry too much. my friend's have said it. my mom even said it to me just now.

sighhh...

i hate that about me. i worry so much to a point where it totally consumes my mind. i think wayyy too hard about the future and what's going to happen next. if i'll be ok, if others will be ok, what's going to happen next, where am i going.

God is my shepherd. i am the sheep. He leads me. therefore, i should not worry about where i'm going. it's all in God's hands. He never gives up on His sheep. His love never changes.

amazing love.




ew. i hella did not do my devotional this weekend. -___- that threw me off a lot. yucky.

but still, i will rejoice. =D




GOODNIGHT!

broken.

never in day (well night) have i broken my new years resolution so many times. yuck...

it's just kinda gross how after being good for a while, there's always still that old nature i have hidden in the back back of me that comes out when i'm not thinking.

but yeah. like in 2 Corinthians, i know this problem isn't REALLY a problem. it's something i have to go through. =P and i know i'll get over it. someday.

that's my problem i think. i want change to happen NOW! like... i expect things to occur right after i say them or soon after. but yeah. that's not how life goes. everything is BABY steps. you go slow. really really slow. no need to rush. if you rush it, you might mess up right? HAHAHA! i hella used that in my essay yesterday.

but yeah. on a serious note. it's not the best way to RUSH somewhere right. you have to drive slow, watch out, make sure everything is safe and secure before you make the next move.

rome wasn't built in a day.

HAHA I USED THAT TOO!

ugh im so lame. honestly, i'm just burning minutes before i feel that i should go to school. ugh... i hate my nose btw. i can NEVER breathe through both sides. one side is always (no joke. ALWAYS) stuffed with whatevers. iono... it's been like this for years. i barely have moments when i breathe deep with both of my nostils. i'm so jealous of people with awesome noses. hahaha. i wonder why i can't breathe through both... i talked to my doctor and she said try that thing where people use like... tea pot kinda things and put it in their nose and have the water run through. wow... hahaha. MAYBE? it looks kinda interesting. kinda... soothing? but it looks really weird.

if anyone has one, can i borrow?

whatevs. no big deal.

i guess i'll go to school now... -____________________- hahaha





God is good.

inconsiderate.

this is my rant for today...

so it was an alright morning. had a good night and woke up on time. fixed my new hair. oh btw i got a hair cut. and fixing in the morning is like... wow. i need a BLOW DRYER. how gay right? hahaha. so now i think imma set my alarms 10 mins earlier now... -___- unless i decide to beanie it up. well anyways. it was alright. rain didn't bother me much. class was EH. i forgot my lecture notes so i just sat there studying and texting people. goodness. then yeah.

the beginning of the held back anger...

HAHAHA. that sounds so interesting.

oh but before that. i just have to say, i changed my bed sheets the other day and ZOMG. these sheets totally own my old ones. they're SUPER soft. i love it. hahaha.

but yeah. so typical break. justin, jeff, gerald, and i were sitting in the union playing pusoy dos and yeah. fun stuff. then i hear a drop and my feet are suddenly wet. some guy drops his drink on my feet as he sits down at the table beside me. i naturally said its ok kuz im not gunna get mad at him. im not even sure if i heard him say sorry. but yeah. he just SAT THERE like wth... he did not even make an effort to clean up or offer to help me. meanwhile, i walked to the bathroom 4 or 5 times getting wads of paper towel to clean up his ice tea that was all over the floor where i was sitting. ugh... all he did was get up and get more ice tea. i was just.. stunned how he simply sat there eating and watching tv while i was bent down cleaning up the mess. i really wanted to hold it back but i said a lot of bad stuff. it was kinda hard to keep my cool and stuff. i was just like... wow. wth... cmon man. i hope there was a legit reason he acted the way he did.

but yeah. i'm glad i was raised the way i was. to be respectful and calm when it comes to things like that. i might burst out when its like... people i'm comfortable or close with but i'm not going to blow up on someone that i don't even know. but seriously, i wanted to take the paper towels i was wiping the floor with and just throw it in his face. ughhh. hahaha.

ANYWAYS. that's all. now i'm home. dry. toasty. these bed sheets are awes...






my hair is so different... -___- hahaha.

ignorance.

is bliss.

for the most part.


but then there's times when you wanna break that ignorance to find some clarity for once.




i am so tired. as in. bushed. wow.

people.

people's shoes. just thought it looked cool.

darryl being raped by lester

donna dying of laughter

just some pix from friday night. funzies.

like phil, i also had a dream last night. it was... one of those dreams where you wanted to stay in that moment forever. nothing weird going on. no monsters or whatever. just... a dream of what feels like reality. one of those long dreams that you just wanna hold onto and never really wake up. but of course... you have to wake up one way or another. yuck...

ugh... life is getting to me. i hate it.

i hate how... people can ask me for advice and i give it to them and it's so great. but... i don't even apply it to myself. i'm such a hypocrite. blahhhhhhhh




just another winter. another storm. another valley. when it rains, everyone gets wet. so why NOT me? another part of life...

another opportunity to grow. another opportunity to trust. another way to build my faith. another day to learn something new.

just another day...





HOPE, NOT DESTROY. cmon jong...

private?

i dont like how blogspot doesn't have an option to post private blogs. eh.

i think imma just go back to my old xanga then. use this blog for when i really feel like i should say something here. or to share pix.

reasons.

late huh. 434am. what a night...


so reasons. behind every happening. behind every setback. behind every situation, God has a reason that it happens. things don't just... happen by chance. God works to make everything work in perfect harmony. we just don't see it immediately all the time. sometimes God tells you no to something that you feel should be a yes. but no matter what you think, you should always think back to who knows better, you or God? it happened to me and it was confusing on what was going on. but eventually, after the confusion, there's always a clear view of what is going on and you find peace and understanding.

wow.

it's amazing how when God closes a window, He opens a door. bible study showed me that tonight. God showed me that tonight. you really just have to trust and wait upon Him to see what He wants to happen. even though i live my life a certain way and feel that i'm in control, i have to learn that God is the one who is leading me and i have to stop doing everything on my own volition and what i feel is best.

it's just really cool how at the end of the night tonight, every little thing came into perfect perspective. things worked out exactly how they should have. God doesn't miss. everything He does is beautiful, in time.




beattitudes ftw. bible study is awes. just ask my friends<3

walk,

don't run.


i'm excited for school just because i actually feel like i can sleep easy since i've studied so much for anatomy. i put a lot of effort into this and i can't wait to see that test and KILL IT!

i like how... i worried so much about how i'm supposed to handle this class with everything i have to learn. i just really had to give it up to God and let go of what I CAN DO, and focus on what HE CAN DO. 203984234th time hearing it...

"let go, and let God."

He truly provides when we ask. it's great. =D that's love right there. despite everything i've done against what He wants and what is right in His eyes, He still blesses me with what i have asked for, AND so much more.

amazing right?

right.




no. left. HAHA. hot cookies ftw.


slow dancing in a burning room; gabe bondoc. wowzers. melt my ears one more time. hahaha.




that is all. =D GOODnight indeed.

trouble sleeping.

just felt like... i needed some closure with my night. to go to bed with my mind at peace with God and with everything that's been getting to me.

so if you've ever read Psalm 23, it's one of the greatest comforts people can hear in times of trouble. verse 4 particularly talks about even though we may walk through the valley of death, we shouldn't be afraid because God is with us. His rod and staff give us comfort.

we are born into a world of trouble. some people say that when babies are born, they cry because it shows that their lungs and stuff are ok. but think about it... a baby was so secure in the mother's womb where it just had to sit and be happy without a care in the world because the baby was being cared for so greatly by the mom. when they were hungry, the mom provided. so some argue that the baby is crying because he/she was taken out of the comfort zone into a world of unpredictability and trouble. interesting idea... i wish i was still a baby.

i hate trouble. even though i know it's all there for me for a reason... i still hate it. it brings me down a lot and... it just puts me in a place that i hate to be. there are times when it feels like life has really gotten me down and its like... why is this happening? why me?

but my constant comfort in these times is always God's promises. always always always. dark valleys are scary but... it's not like you live in the valley. there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. i just have to remember that there's purpose in what i'm going through and valleys are just part of the natural landscape of the world. i have to go through it. and i will.

i know this is weird but... when we say WHY ME? we should be turning that around to WHY NOT ME? like... ok. i'm stupid. hahaha. i look at problems and focus on the negative. SO NEGATIVE. i suck at being positive sometimes. but yeah. why not me? because troubles are GOOD. why do we have to worry when we are being lead by the guy who created the problem. surely He knows His way around and is leading us on the right path. right? right.

trouble is like fire. it's scary and it hurts us. but it's necessary. God uses trouble to purify us. just as the analogy goes, we are refined in the fire as gold is. the goldsmith never takes His eye off of the work in progress and knows the right time to take the gold out of the fire. if He still sees impurities, the gold will continue to be refined until it is totally pure and He can see His reflection clearly in the gold.

get it? hope it makes sense and you could make the connection.

trouble isn't put it in our way to make us uncomfortable and what not. it's to help make us plyable for different situations and to build our faith and dependence on God to lead us through it. even though sheep are in scary situations like in a dark valley, they don't get scared because they keep their eyes fixed on the shepherd who is slowly leading them safely. and we musn't run through the valley but walk. you can't rush through things and expect things to be alright. you need to have assurance in your steps and where you are planting your feet.

like... have you ever seen those fences that filipinos have? they take broken glass and put it on the top so that people can't like... hop over it or whatever. but you can see cats walking on them. they don't run through them though. they take their time choosing each step wisely.

we should be like those cats. hahaha. so many animal analogies. but they make sense right?

but yeah. imma wrap this up because i wanna sleep soon. stupid school. hahaha. i just wanted to go over my notes from sunday to refresh my mind and put things into perspective.

so yeah. i guess with my problems, i always over think things. but it's just because... i forget to rely on God's protection and focus on the scary shadows in the valley. but remember, they're only shadows. they're bigger than reality and can scare us. but on the other hand, they can't harm us and most importantly, they can only appear when there is a light source. understand? coolness...




scared? what was i thinking... =P


goodnight!

scared.

ugh. i really don't want to let this get the best of me.


but i am scared. sigh. =|

coldness.

but warm hearted. =D exciting

so today... well last night it started with me and donna remembering how phil and people wanted to go to dennys. FREE FOOD! sounds super cool right!?! me and donna kept trying to sleep but we were getting distracted beyond belief. we failed like 029384098234 times trying to sign off and go away. freaking phil kept sending us links. haha. well anyways... the plan was to wake up early at like... 5somn so we could get there at 6. yuckk... originally kim was going to come with me but yeah... i decided it would be better for her to sleep considering staying up late and her day of full blown cleaning. how i wish i put that consideration onto myself... freaking woke up super early and threw on my clothes. peacoat ftw. hahaha. it was so cold. so i pull up and... WTH. ONE MILLION PEOPLE AT DENNYS. the hell is that. AT 615AM!?! ughhh... they would. freaking 1-1 1/2 hour wait... not the business. we just ended up going to school for some of that PRIME parking. yennoe... the kind when no one is on campus kuz only ids go that early. HAHAHAHA PHIL DIDNT HAVE CLASS TIL 11 AND WE ALL HAD CLASS AT 8! sorry phil. hahaha. so we just ended up going to the nugget to get some breakfast. yummers. good times with gerald, the don, and arthur jeremy.

i miss those names we used to use all the time.

english class was EH. didn't write anything or learn much of anything. but i'm really exciting to have my teacher kuz he's one of the past coordinators for the wpe and he wrote the wpe practice books so yeah. i think God put me in the right hands yeah? thanks =D. then... brizzeak. study with ria ria bo biaaa. then yeah... quiz in anatomy lab. GULP. naaaaat that mess was of the EASE. too bad ria, justin, and i all got 1 wrong. hahaha. but pro nation for sure! learn about the brain for 3 hours... sighhhhhh. but it's koo. i got a lot of it down. so proud of myself! then yeah. the boredom that is geography. but we have our awes table for 5 so it wasn't THAT bad. but i was pretty tired from my day so far. then yeah. drove around the structure with kim trying to find her car. hahaha oh goshhhhh... that id =P then went to eat at panda. yummers. went home and SLEPT<333. i love sleep. hahaha. then yeah. ugly school related dilemmas that were not even worth my time... then a good night of studying and movies with kimbo. fun fun fun.

i actually wrote about my day. hahaha. weird... i haven't done a blog like this in a while. lots of blessings. good stuff. thank you God. =D

bushed. goodnight blogspot.

inked.

i got tatted today. hahaha.

my niece hannah was at church today. i loooooove her! she's super cute. i want a daughter that's as cute and fun as her. she's amazing. so i took her out of sunday school and we were running around and ended up playing in the playground and she had a little pack of dora the explorer tattoos. she gave me the only one with boots on it because i guess she didn't want to give me one of the actual dora ones. hahaha. oh well. but yeah. tattoo!

oh hannahdeng... i swear. my brother and i spoil her with more love than she needs. hahaha.

hmm... so superbowl today? WOHOO! too bad im not really into sports... is that a bad thing that everyone has some sort of passion for some sport but then... i dont? hahaha. iono... it's all cool and stuff but... i never really had it in me to go out and join a sports team or decide which sport i like the best. i guess... i'm more into arts and stuff. i suck at physical stuff. hahaha.

whatevs. =P not trying to envy anyone for what they have. it's easier to count my blessings than what i lack. di ba?

that is all.

easier.

i said it last night at bible study.

jeneane asked "why do we choose to follow God?"

i said "because it's just easier. seriously."




if you do believe and follow God, do you ever ask yourself seriously, why do you follow Him? what is the reason that keeps you coming back to church week after week or to bible study?


i said it's just easier. what i mean is... living with Christ in my life makes things so much easier on me instead of trying live everything on my own thoughts and strength. when i say that, i am so serious, it's not even a joke or anything.

living with Christ makes life so much easier on me.

just because i'm christian doesn't exclude me from the trials and pains of this world. but when those things do hit me, i know i'll be alright because i do have strength in them and i know there's a reason for them. and those reasons are shown to me in time. things may not be shown RIGHT NOW when we want it be seen, but they will be when God wants us to see it. it may be immediate, or not. but God's timing is never off. it's exactly when we need it.

so i said life was easier when we keep God as the center of our lives. it's in the bible. Seek FIRST the kingdom of heaven, and all these things shall be added unto you. so basically, put God first in everything you do, and He will provide.

this morning is my example of that...

i woke up and like... iono. there was just stuff on my mind. school. other commitments. relationships. so many things that i could barely keep from spilling out and breaking me down. seriously, things just ate me up while i laid in bed thinking what i was going to do with all these things. something in my mind was telling me to do my devotional first to start my day right but... i didn't want to listen. i wanted to make things about ME first. put me on the throne of my heart. in the number one spot. but... that's where God's supposed to be. i'm not saying it's a terrible thing to be selfish and do things on our own for ourselves. that's how we are. that's part of our nature. but, we should learn to move away from that and ultimately allign our thoughts and desires to what God wants first.

i was on the virge of just breaking down and not knowing what to do. so i finally gave in and said... you know what. even though i don't want to do this devotional. even if i dont feel like it. i'm going to do it anyways.

when i read that devotional, i knew exactly that i should have done it first today. the title, "the sufficiency of God's grace" was enough for me to know... i messed up. i should have done this FIRST and i wouldn't even had to think or deal with anything i just went through this morning. things could have been SO MUCH EASIER ON ME and my mind if only i listened to the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart telling me... it's going to be okay. just come. come and meet with me for a while and i will take everything away that may be troubling you.

that idea there makes me want to cry. knowing that God is always there RIGHT NEXT TO YOU waiting for you to come to HIM with everything you have that you've been trying to carry yourself WAITING on you to let Him take care of it all. waiting to give you all these blessings and comfort. everything you need.

all we have to do is come. that's it. just come as we are with everything we have and... He'll take it all away. all of it.

it's like... magic? iono how to explain it. i was worrying about how i'm going to figure all this school stuff out. about how to deal with certain people. about how things happened the past couple of days and if they should have happened that way. worrying about what will happen next. but then when you go to meet with God, all those things come into perspective that... they're there for a reason. they're not to hurt you but to make you stronger and develop your dependance on God. He wants us to come to Him. if only we remember to amidst all the distractions of the world.

i think i kinda lost what i was trying to say. oh well.

once again. jeremiah 29:11.
everything going on in my life is exactly what God wants for me right now. i'm exactly where God wants me to be. it's where i need to be to learn whatever it is and become whoever i am supposed to become. these things aren't made to hurt me. God loves me too much to let me ever get hurt to where it breaks me. and i dont mean that in a cocky kind of way. OH GOD LOVES ME SO YEAH THIS AND THAT. it's true. we are all His children and He loves us SO MUCH that He provides everything in our lives for us for reasons that we can't figure out but He promises that they are to give us hope, not to destroy us.

just gotta trust and constantly come back to God. constantly.

its like... we're this little kid lost in a store that forgot to hold on to daddy's hand because we saw something with our curiosity and wanted to see it and do things on our own. but eventually, we figured out that... we're lost and we need our daddy back to help us get home after the store. we wander and wander around looking and crying because we found out that things were better when we're with dad and we're too little to understand things going around us. we're just lost in a big store without any idea. at first we thought we knew what we were doing but eventually we figure out, we're don't know. but luckily, like any of us would be in this situation as a parent, our Father seeks out for us. running to us with open arms to find us where we are and just take our hand and give us comfort. to just... hold us once again and let us know that everything is going to be okay because our Father is in control once again and is holding onto our hand to guide us so that we don't get lost.

hope that made sense to whoever may be reading this. it made sense to me... but if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask!

i think that's it. =D




see... God is so cool. i had a terrible morning, but now things feel so much EASIER.

missing.

it feels like... something's missing from my night. as if i missed something or i need some closure on something. like... i was tired, but i don't want to sleep because... it's like there's something i need to be awake just in case for. it's weird. i can't really explain why i feel this way.

wow. i have like... no idea how to explain anything that's going on in my mind. its not like... a bad thing? i just have no clue what it is i'm trying to find or look for in there. i have a feeling i won't find it anytime soon and it's going to be on my mind all night if not all weekend. we'll see if i ever find it.

i wish... things weren't how they are. only i know what i'm talking about. i dont like the fact that i have to hide things in this blog. i want a private option where i can write something just for myself. i'll just use my other blog for that i guess.

anyways...






yeah. whatevers.

God meant for this night and everything that happened. thank You Lord for making me who i am and making me do what i do.





sigh. but in all honesty... i still feel like something is missing.

joy.

happiness depends on happenings. joy depends on Christ.



it takes a lot to get tears to jerk from me. my brother's leaving me for the first couple times. leaving the philippines when i finally feel like i know where my home is... letting go of something that i've held onto with everything i have. there's these kind of tears. the ones that come from pain and things that just really make my heart feel at its worst.

but then there's the feeling where you feel tears coming but... it's not the same. you're not crying because you're sad or something's missing. it's the ones when you realize... everything is really good and that God is really the one in control. you cry because... you feel safe. you feel secure. you know that God is SO GOOD that He won't let ANYTHING hurt you too much that you can't handle it.

ever since we were born, God had our best in mind. He set up all the little set backs and sad things that would hit us but even though they were there, He was there too. He saw the things that i'm going through now before i even had any idea about them. i know He will lead me through them safely.

this week has been teaching me a lot. i need to learn how to let go of what I THINK is right and what i need to do and trust in God to take care of me.

"let go and let God"

i've heard that phrase so many times but i don't think i've ever really applied it truly to my life. i always said that i will submit and give into what God wants. but still... i fall back onto what I FEEL is right and what I THINK is what i need. i get scared and overwhelemed by the world.

so scared. more than anyone really knows or sees.
scared to fail
scared to let people down
scared to mess up my life
scared to come off as someone that can't do it
scared to show my weakness
scared to show who i really am
scared to expose what i dare not show anyone



i may come off cool and collected. like i know what i'm doing and everything. this poem says it all...

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That everything is ok with me
that Im confident,

and cool,

that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I dont need anyone.
But don't believe me. Please!

I wear a mask!

But beneath dwells the real me

in confusion,

in fear,

in loneliness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of exposing my weakness.

That's why I frantically hide behind these masks.
they help me pretend,

I dislike hiding, honestly

I hate this superficial phony game that Im playing...

Im so tired of this!

... I want to be KNOWN...

maybe deep down inside... i just need someone to know who I really am ..

someone to tell me what I can't tell myself,
someone to tell me that I'm really worth something. That I can be loved. That I can be forgiven.

But I wont tell you what I need.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that you'll think Im weak...

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of confidence without,
And a trembling child within.

So dont be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but cant say.

I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.

Are you wondering who I am?
you shouldn't
for I am everyman and everywoman here who wears a mask.

So Don't be fooled by me.
Dont be fooled by the face I wear

for I wear a mask - and none of them are me.




this was a poem i read at uprising. it says so much because... it's everyone...

even though i put up all these masks to hide who i really am and what i'm really all about... i'm so glad i have God. He knows the REAL me. HE was there with me through everything. there isn't one tear that i cried that He wasn't there to catch. i am His beloved.

david said it best when he wrote psalm 139.



life is filled with emotions. sad. happy. scared. lonely. excited. everything. things that may get the best of us at times. But God knows what we need to get through all of them. He is what we need.

just gotta learn how to let go, and let God.


only with Him and what He has blessed me with am i truly happy. where i find my true everlasting comfort. my everlasting joy.





hahaha. =D

anyways...

since cyn is probably the only one who reads my blog... hahaha. i am like you too. i got kinda lazy to blog. pictures are fun but... iono. it's like i have NO TIME.

school hit me like freaking an airplane crashing into your car while driving in traffic. wowsers... i could not even believe the amount of reading and workload i had to keep up with just for the 4 classes i have. mostly anatomy. everything else is pretty easy... but yeah. i was hella in shock of everything where i was so scared. i was so unsure if i could get any of it done. im pretty sure my hair turned just a little bit more white.

and getting used to this getting up early thing is taking it's tole on me. im sooo tired all the time. especially having to get used to it right after so many semesters not having to get up and all the vacations. sighhhhh.

but i wanna throw all of that negativity away and just focus on my blessings. =D

i have so much to be thankful for. clothes! it's been super cold lately and im so glad i got to buy clothes over break so i can be waaaaaaaaarm. and my house and bed! and my shower! hahaha. some people may think it's stupid to be so excited over simply my house and stuff kuz... they have it too. but i bet there are so many more people that are so much more deserving to these things than me. and things could be so much worse and yet... God didn't let it happen. He always provides and always will.

so i'm happy. He put me in this to give me hope, not to hurt me. =D

i'm good. yizzur.

bore dumb.

i love how things worked out that... when i had something to do later, i was totally sleepy. and now that i can't make it out to the thing, i'm pretty much totally awake with nothing to do.

zomy...

BLAH! ok now i'm kinda sleepy and yeah... i really don't want to sleep so i can sleep later. ugh. it's only 530..................................................

cmon school...

praise.

this song is awes. we sang it at bible study last night and it's just really wow.

I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise (trust) You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


it just give's the greatest imagery of how our lives can be in so much turmoil and sadness. that's how our life is. seriously. so much crap happens. but like... we have the answer to fix it all. all we have to do is just go to God with what we have and trust in His plan. like i've said over and over, His plans aren't to hurt us, but to give us a real future of hope and just mold us into a better person.

i'm so thankful for all the gifts we've been given from God. He could have just stopped with the gift of His son dying for us and tearing that veil that separated the world and Him, but He still continued to give. that's what i've been learning lately in my devotionals. they're really the things that keep me in check lately with everything that's been going on. they just keep my life right. i love it. i love Him.

God is really great yennoe. i've been really trying to invite kim to bible study but she usually has reasons not to come or just doesn't want to. but i knew that it wasn't in God's timing and that He would bring her when it was right. AND HE TOTALLY DID! like i wanted her to come last week but then after it was done i was like... ehh maybe it was good that she didn't. and it was right because God doesn't miss in His timing. when you get a no in life, it's God saying NO, or JUST BE STILL AND WAIT. so i did. and what i wanted was given to me. AND SO MUCH MORE! like she was super scared about it and was skeptical because... who wouldn't be? like its friday night, and all these people are just at church instead of out partying or whatever? it's pretty normal to feel that way. but i'm so thankful about how strong God is in all my SOS's lives that they were so welcoming and made everything so easy. i thought i would have to stick by her the whole time so she wouldn't feel alone or awkward, but everyone was so great. i was surprised i could go off and just... jam with kenneth and them while she was sitting talking to ate mia and others. they're awes. i seriously can't thank them all enough. i can't thank God enough.

i know my God is real. He has shown me time and time again what He can do and that He is always taking care of me. through any situation, God does what is right for me. He answers prayers. maybe not right away when i want it, but of course, it's not about my time. it's all about His time.




sorry if i haven't been putting up pictures lately. oh wells. =D praise God for everything else!

PROOF!

proof that my God is real! God totally answers prayers! even when i know i don't deserve what He gives, He continues to give so graciously. when times get tough and you feel weak like you're about to break TURN TO GOD! His love will totally catch you and with His time, NOT YOURS, everything will be beautiful.

SOOOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!

God is good, fair, loving, kind, in control, awesome, mighty to save, our lifeline, our king, our shepherd, and so so so so so so much more!

YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND FOREVER.

amen.




ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?!


<3God

submission.

kind of like wrestling... but not so much.

well maybe it is. it's like... you're in a fight and you keep fighting to get up but the other one is knocking you down. you just to have to accept it and submit to that other person.

for me, that other is God. and when i say fight, i mean that in a very loving way. God is fighting for our hearts. He wants us to want Him as much as we want everything else in this world. money, love, satisfaction by things. but... God knows that these things can never fully satisfy us. He knows that He is exactly what we need. we just need to come to terms and agree with Him on that.

i was once told that when we were born, there was a hole cut in our hearts. that hole was cut in the shape of God. no matter how hard we try to fill it with things. relationships, hobbies, possessions, it will never be enough. it's like trying to jam one of those kid toys with the wrong shape. you can try to force it in, but it will never fit.

there is only one perfect fit to our hearts. to my heart.

Matthew 6:33 tells us
"seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you"

as human's it's only natural to try and rely on ourselves and what we can do on our own two feet. but that's not the case. we need to give up that habit and learn to submit. give everything up to God. seek Him in everything you do. put Him in the number 1 spot in your heart. if we can learn to do that, how could there be any trouble in our lives?

if we come to God willingly with all the burdens we hold, all the confusion and fear that this world puts in us, He promises to show us the answer to it all. the reason why these things are in our lives. for God has a purpose in everything. you just have to really learn how to trust in Him and obey what He says to you. do that, and you will find peace and rest wherever you are in life.





too bad i'm a hypocrite. i talk all these things and it's sad to say that... it's hard for me to do these things myself. i guess i just write them so i can just keep what was on my mind so i can look back and remind myself where i've been and know what i need to do. i don't regret doing this or anything because why should i be ashamed of my thoughts especially if they're of my God. i just feel bad because even though things may seem like i know what i'm talking about, i still need to work on it myself and fix things.

i'm just a sheep trying to find my way. i'm dumb, dirty, and can't live on my own. honestly, that's who i am and who i will be. until i learn to submit myself to God's plan and what He has in store for me, i will always be lost.

that may sound depressing, but of course, there's hope in those words. i don't have to be lost. i know exactly what i need to do to find my way back. it just takes time is all.





this is hard. but nothing worth while comes easy... right?

bri

o0o i forgot to post this. so i got back from my walk and i got this really awes im from my lil sister bri. i do consider her my little sister because i help her through a lot and even though we're far, she can always come to me with anything. i just help her when she gets lost sometimes. but it was really great reading this when i came back. it was like... going from crappy, to crying while walking, and then God showing me His love more and more through everything this night.

wowsers.

luvbriana1210: okay.thanks so much.i honestly couldnt ask God for a better friend.no matter what youre always there.and no matter what you say you just always seem to me make feel so much better and i always feel really relieved.and im not gonna lie.with all of this stuff going on.i havnt been to church since the summer and i rarely take the time to open up my Bible and thats really dissappointing.and my language..WOW!i just get so frustrated.and the image my parents have of me really puts me down and im constantly stressed now.no matter what.and idk but i honestly havnt been happy in a really long time.i give up on myself everytime i turn around and i can never pick myself up.my grades show it.im just a mess.the only person, other than God and my grandparents, that can really peice me back together no matter what they do or say is you.honestly.you know my life from left to right.no one else knows all of this stuff ive been through and no one else knows how i USED to be.so they dont see how ive changed.and idk.you just seem to pick me up when im feeling WAYYY down.and thats so comforting.i catch myself crying sometimes when im txting you or IMin you because i dont know what to do with myself.&you always have something good to say and you always make sure im ok.thats why sometimes i just send you random comments.i want you to know that i truely love you and i am truely blessed to have somone like you.

it just goes to show you that how you carry yourself and how you handle life can make such an impact on others. it was so random for me to im bri tonight. it's been so long that we've talked and we've lost a lot of the closeness that we had before but it's amazing that God put it in my heart to check up on her and notice the things that she was saying that was wrong and use me to correct her and help her grow in godliness. i love her bunches. i just want her to grow more and more. even though things may seem tough for her, i know God has something great in store for her. something amazing.

just like He does for all of His children. <3



YESSUHHHHH

comfort.

i took a walk to clear my head and try to find something to help me with whatever has been so heavy on my shoulders. nothing in this world, not the silence of the night, the expanse of the sky, the 30 minutes i have outside could do anything for me.

because they are of this world.

TRUE peace and comfort only comes from the one i call Father. My God. even when i'm in my brokeness, He is right next to me, holding me. only in Him am i complete. things can do their worst to get me down and at times it feels like they've won.

victory may look totally out of the picture, but that's just because the battle isn't over.

God is on my side so no matter what i go through, no matter what the world may throw at me. no matter how many times i may lose the fight, i KNOW that i will win the war.

i've heard the song EVERYTHING by Lifehouse a million times because i fell in love of the display of God's love for us shown in the famous lifehouse skit, but i never really listened to the words. tonight, on my walk, i REALLY LISTENED to what God had to say to me. there was a lot for me to learn. so many words of the song lead back to verse's i've heard over and over again in church but never really cared to apply them. until now.

the song tells us so much about our walk. about my walk. it was like... it was exactly what i needed to hear. the first verse is just... speaking of our thirst to just BE with God and seek Him in a place all our own to find peace with Him. things of this world may give us temporary peace, but God's love and grace gives us peace that surpases all understanding. and it's never ending. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? it's like... you could have the worst things happen to you, your car breaks down, your friend leaves you, you're struggling in school, you lose your job, but no matter WHAT, no matter WHAT

NO MATTER WHAT

God will be there. before you even ask, He's already at your side ready for you to come to Him with everything and anything. if you ask for peace and your heart is pure, surely He will give it to you.

wow that's so much i've written on JUST ONE VERSE. hahaha. sorry if this is long for whoever is reading. but i think i'm going to do the entire song. i just want to get it down so i can remember everything for myself. hope you're not bored reading...

so verse two speaks of God being our strength, hope, light, and purpose. it's true. when we feel weak and the world has gotten the best of us, God will raise us up on eagle's wings and renew our strength. He grants us hope with His promises to give us a future that will NEVER destroy us. it may hurt at times, but God will never give us something we cannot handle. everything is just the right amount for Him to get His point across to us. our light because... what would the world be without light? darkness isn't a thing, it's just the absence of light itself. so like... ok. when you feel things are dark and you're just lost in all the blackness, why is that? you must not have God around much, the light. so seek God first. BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE and everything else will fall into place. and last of the verse, our purpose. it's our life purpose to live for God and give Him glory in everything. when we lose sight of that goal we have, thing's start to get rocky and yeah. crap happens. that's what happened to me.

but just as we begin to slip and lose sight of God as our purpose in life, He's there already waiting for us WITH OPEN ARMS. He runs to US, not the other way around. HE IS THERE ready and willing to give you rest from everything that makes you cry. everything. ANY LITTLE THING that may give you tire, He's there to take it all away and renew you.

the bridge tells us about how can we simply stand in the presence of God and not be moved by Him. we are ALWAYS in His presence when we invite Him into our lives. we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit that dwells within us so there isn't an excuse for us to think that God isn't around watching over us. He's always there ready to show us something new. ready to teach. ready to MOVE us. we just have to seek Him. it also says how can it be any better than this. God should always be enough for us. my goodness He is WAYYYY more than enough.

ok. this part is SO AMAZING. God could have given us just... the 10 comandments and that would have been enough for us to know what is right and wrong to make our lives right. but no. He continued to give. He gives us comfort, peace, love. EVERYTHING. even if we TOTALLY don't deserve it, He continues to bless us with everything we need. and we sure do not deserve this sort of love. God created us so that we can give Him glory, but the sadness of that is... we don't. it's like... having a bestfriend that you neglect and is always excited to hear from you and talk to you and give you love and show you everything you ever need but... you ignore them. instead of meeting up with them to spend the day with them and just talk talk talk about everything, you send them a text that says, whats up and the conversation leads to nowhere. it's a terrible thing how we as a people of God have been driven so far away from Him all these years.

BUT ITS SO CRAZY HOW GOD SHOWS US GRACE AND MERCY DESPITE ALL THOSE THINGS! we don't deserve His love with how we treat Him and spit on His face with things. we've all sinned. but His love goes beyond all those things and He continues to shower us with love and everything we need. ALWAYS. He is our eternal love and provider for everything. and with everything we've done, we don't deserve a place in His home. we deserve a life of complete separation. but instead of giving what we deserve in that sense, He says no, my Son has already paid that price for you. because of this love i have for you, my beloved, your sins are WIPED CLEAN. gone. it's like... getting a speeding ticket for 1000 dollars and you have no idea how you're going to pay for it. so you go to court and talk with the judge and the judge just says... you know what, i know what you did was wrong, but i'm going to forget this and let you have another try. but then multiply that by 20938490283409432 TIMES. because we know we've sinned that many times. but no matter what, HE PROMISES to always wipe us clean of sin if our hearts are true when we repent. and repent doesn't mean just... oh i stole but i can repent and i'll be forgiven. then you go and do it again. then repent again. it doesn't make it ok when you do that. you have to actually take what you've done and TURN AROUND from it and make an effort not to do that sin anymore.

btw, God doesn't put us through all this because He want's us to suffer or whatever. it's not a punishment. God loves us so much but He allows us to sin. it's not just you when you sin and say that mean thing or think that thought. God is with you RIGHT NEXT TO YOU holding your hand guiding you through that sin. with that love, we don't need to be afraid of God being mad at us. He lets it happen so that we can learn from our mistakes. God takes the dirtiest of things and makes them something beautiful. Paul in the bible wasn't one of the ideal apostle's over night. He was one of the greatest haters of christians. but God used His power to do something amazing and turn this person totally around and make paul someone that we as christians today look up to in the example He sets for us. God takes our dirtiest thoughts and habits and uses them to teach us how to be like Him so that we can also be happy and clean. SO COOL RIGHT! and we always think sin is such a bad thing...

wow. i had no idea i would write so much about just that bridge. i actually didn't wanna write about it because it was just 2 lines so how much would there be in it? wrong. hahaha. yeah this is long. =P but it's worth reading. well for me it is.

ok so next verse. God calms our storms and gives us rest. God is always standing by to help us through the things that may toss us around in this world. even in the hardest times, we can be assured that if we look to Him, we can find rest in Him and His word. You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. ok so even though we feel we are totally in control of our lives, like... i did this because OF ME, that's not the case. God knew us since before we were born or even THOUGHT of and even then, He had every single second of our lives planned out. He know's everything that's going to happen to us and it's all for good. it's like... so we've seen the last 3 star wars episodes right. we've seen them a lot way before we even saw how everything started. and then when we watch the first 3 movies, even though things look tough at times, we can rest easy because we know the ending already since we've seen it. it's the same case with God. having Him in our lives already guarantees us eternal life so it's like... what are you worrying about? this life is just preparing us for heaven. it may seem super long but its only like... A SECOND to God. so trust in God's love and salvation. don't worry. =D You steal my heart, You take my breath away. God should be the love of our lives. He wants us to love us how we love our boyfriends and girlfriends. but with boyfriends and girlfriends, there's a limit to the love that they show us. with God, His love goes WAYYY beyond anything we can ever understand. lovers can come and go and you never know if your boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be with you forever. they might leave you because you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. but you can ALWAYS depend on God loving you no matter what. He's always going to love you. a girlfriend might break up with you if you cheat on her and that's that. when we cheat on God, He's always there for us waiting for us to come back to Him. there will never be a point where He will turn us away and say that He wants to break things off. like i said, His love goes beyond what we can understand. would you take me in? take me deeper now? we should have an undying thirst to be with God and learn more about Him and just always be with Him. all day, everyday. we need to ask God to keep this thirst in us and just continue to take us deeper and deeper into His word and love so that we can know God more and more. REALLY know him.

you're all i want
you're all i need
you're everything

the chorus sums it all up for us. God is enough for us so what more could we want? God is everything we need so why worry about anything? He will provide what we need.

He is everything...




i think that pretty much sums up the whole song. it's an amazing song when you need comfort or anything from God. when times are hard and you lose sight of the light in your life... don't turn to the thing's of this world, for they are just like chasing the wind. they don't last. the comfort may be good at the time, but how long will that last?

turn to God.

He is everlasting
&forever loving
&gracious
&wonderful
&anything we need
&everything we need

He is our Father and He loves us so much. He would never let us fall. He loves us too much to let that happen. AWESOME RIGHT?!






that was really long. hope you stuck with me through it all. =D
and i hope you take something back from it. much love and God bless.