joy.

happiness depends on happenings. joy depends on Christ.



it takes a lot to get tears to jerk from me. my brother's leaving me for the first couple times. leaving the philippines when i finally feel like i know where my home is... letting go of something that i've held onto with everything i have. there's these kind of tears. the ones that come from pain and things that just really make my heart feel at its worst.

but then there's the feeling where you feel tears coming but... it's not the same. you're not crying because you're sad or something's missing. it's the ones when you realize... everything is really good and that God is really the one in control. you cry because... you feel safe. you feel secure. you know that God is SO GOOD that He won't let ANYTHING hurt you too much that you can't handle it.

ever since we were born, God had our best in mind. He set up all the little set backs and sad things that would hit us but even though they were there, He was there too. He saw the things that i'm going through now before i even had any idea about them. i know He will lead me through them safely.

this week has been teaching me a lot. i need to learn how to let go of what I THINK is right and what i need to do and trust in God to take care of me.

"let go and let God"

i've heard that phrase so many times but i don't think i've ever really applied it truly to my life. i always said that i will submit and give into what God wants. but still... i fall back onto what I FEEL is right and what I THINK is what i need. i get scared and overwhelemed by the world.

so scared. more than anyone really knows or sees.
scared to fail
scared to let people down
scared to mess up my life
scared to come off as someone that can't do it
scared to show my weakness
scared to show who i really am
scared to expose what i dare not show anyone



i may come off cool and collected. like i know what i'm doing and everything. this poem says it all...

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That everything is ok with me
that Im confident,

and cool,

that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I dont need anyone.
But don't believe me. Please!

I wear a mask!

But beneath dwells the real me

in confusion,

in fear,

in loneliness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of exposing my weakness.

That's why I frantically hide behind these masks.
they help me pretend,

I dislike hiding, honestly

I hate this superficial phony game that Im playing...

Im so tired of this!

... I want to be KNOWN...

maybe deep down inside... i just need someone to know who I really am ..

someone to tell me what I can't tell myself,
someone to tell me that I'm really worth something. That I can be loved. That I can be forgiven.

But I wont tell you what I need.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that you'll think Im weak...

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of confidence without,
And a trembling child within.

So dont be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but cant say.

I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.

Are you wondering who I am?
you shouldn't
for I am everyman and everywoman here who wears a mask.

So Don't be fooled by me.
Dont be fooled by the face I wear

for I wear a mask - and none of them are me.




this was a poem i read at uprising. it says so much because... it's everyone...

even though i put up all these masks to hide who i really am and what i'm really all about... i'm so glad i have God. He knows the REAL me. HE was there with me through everything. there isn't one tear that i cried that He wasn't there to catch. i am His beloved.

david said it best when he wrote psalm 139.



life is filled with emotions. sad. happy. scared. lonely. excited. everything. things that may get the best of us at times. But God knows what we need to get through all of them. He is what we need.

just gotta learn how to let go, and let God.


only with Him and what He has blessed me with am i truly happy. where i find my true everlasting comfort. my everlasting joy.





hahaha. =D