easier.

i said it last night at bible study.

jeneane asked "why do we choose to follow God?"

i said "because it's just easier. seriously."




if you do believe and follow God, do you ever ask yourself seriously, why do you follow Him? what is the reason that keeps you coming back to church week after week or to bible study?


i said it's just easier. what i mean is... living with Christ in my life makes things so much easier on me instead of trying live everything on my own thoughts and strength. when i say that, i am so serious, it's not even a joke or anything.

living with Christ makes life so much easier on me.

just because i'm christian doesn't exclude me from the trials and pains of this world. but when those things do hit me, i know i'll be alright because i do have strength in them and i know there's a reason for them. and those reasons are shown to me in time. things may not be shown RIGHT NOW when we want it be seen, but they will be when God wants us to see it. it may be immediate, or not. but God's timing is never off. it's exactly when we need it.

so i said life was easier when we keep God as the center of our lives. it's in the bible. Seek FIRST the kingdom of heaven, and all these things shall be added unto you. so basically, put God first in everything you do, and He will provide.

this morning is my example of that...

i woke up and like... iono. there was just stuff on my mind. school. other commitments. relationships. so many things that i could barely keep from spilling out and breaking me down. seriously, things just ate me up while i laid in bed thinking what i was going to do with all these things. something in my mind was telling me to do my devotional first to start my day right but... i didn't want to listen. i wanted to make things about ME first. put me on the throne of my heart. in the number one spot. but... that's where God's supposed to be. i'm not saying it's a terrible thing to be selfish and do things on our own for ourselves. that's how we are. that's part of our nature. but, we should learn to move away from that and ultimately allign our thoughts and desires to what God wants first.

i was on the virge of just breaking down and not knowing what to do. so i finally gave in and said... you know what. even though i don't want to do this devotional. even if i dont feel like it. i'm going to do it anyways.

when i read that devotional, i knew exactly that i should have done it first today. the title, "the sufficiency of God's grace" was enough for me to know... i messed up. i should have done this FIRST and i wouldn't even had to think or deal with anything i just went through this morning. things could have been SO MUCH EASIER ON ME and my mind if only i listened to the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart telling me... it's going to be okay. just come. come and meet with me for a while and i will take everything away that may be troubling you.

that idea there makes me want to cry. knowing that God is always there RIGHT NEXT TO YOU waiting for you to come to HIM with everything you have that you've been trying to carry yourself WAITING on you to let Him take care of it all. waiting to give you all these blessings and comfort. everything you need.

all we have to do is come. that's it. just come as we are with everything we have and... He'll take it all away. all of it.

it's like... magic? iono how to explain it. i was worrying about how i'm going to figure all this school stuff out. about how to deal with certain people. about how things happened the past couple of days and if they should have happened that way. worrying about what will happen next. but then when you go to meet with God, all those things come into perspective that... they're there for a reason. they're not to hurt you but to make you stronger and develop your dependance on God. He wants us to come to Him. if only we remember to amidst all the distractions of the world.

i think i kinda lost what i was trying to say. oh well.

once again. jeremiah 29:11.
everything going on in my life is exactly what God wants for me right now. i'm exactly where God wants me to be. it's where i need to be to learn whatever it is and become whoever i am supposed to become. these things aren't made to hurt me. God loves me too much to let me ever get hurt to where it breaks me. and i dont mean that in a cocky kind of way. OH GOD LOVES ME SO YEAH THIS AND THAT. it's true. we are all His children and He loves us SO MUCH that He provides everything in our lives for us for reasons that we can't figure out but He promises that they are to give us hope, not to destroy us.

just gotta trust and constantly come back to God. constantly.

its like... we're this little kid lost in a store that forgot to hold on to daddy's hand because we saw something with our curiosity and wanted to see it and do things on our own. but eventually, we figured out that... we're lost and we need our daddy back to help us get home after the store. we wander and wander around looking and crying because we found out that things were better when we're with dad and we're too little to understand things going around us. we're just lost in a big store without any idea. at first we thought we knew what we were doing but eventually we figure out, we're don't know. but luckily, like any of us would be in this situation as a parent, our Father seeks out for us. running to us with open arms to find us where we are and just take our hand and give us comfort. to just... hold us once again and let us know that everything is going to be okay because our Father is in control once again and is holding onto our hand to guide us so that we don't get lost.

hope that made sense to whoever may be reading this. it made sense to me... but if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask!

i think that's it. =D




see... God is so cool. i had a terrible morning, but now things feel so much EASIER.

missing.

it feels like... something's missing from my night. as if i missed something or i need some closure on something. like... i was tired, but i don't want to sleep because... it's like there's something i need to be awake just in case for. it's weird. i can't really explain why i feel this way.

wow. i have like... no idea how to explain anything that's going on in my mind. its not like... a bad thing? i just have no clue what it is i'm trying to find or look for in there. i have a feeling i won't find it anytime soon and it's going to be on my mind all night if not all weekend. we'll see if i ever find it.

i wish... things weren't how they are. only i know what i'm talking about. i dont like the fact that i have to hide things in this blog. i want a private option where i can write something just for myself. i'll just use my other blog for that i guess.

anyways...






yeah. whatevers.

God meant for this night and everything that happened. thank You Lord for making me who i am and making me do what i do.





sigh. but in all honesty... i still feel like something is missing.

joy.

happiness depends on happenings. joy depends on Christ.



it takes a lot to get tears to jerk from me. my brother's leaving me for the first couple times. leaving the philippines when i finally feel like i know where my home is... letting go of something that i've held onto with everything i have. there's these kind of tears. the ones that come from pain and things that just really make my heart feel at its worst.

but then there's the feeling where you feel tears coming but... it's not the same. you're not crying because you're sad or something's missing. it's the ones when you realize... everything is really good and that God is really the one in control. you cry because... you feel safe. you feel secure. you know that God is SO GOOD that He won't let ANYTHING hurt you too much that you can't handle it.

ever since we were born, God had our best in mind. He set up all the little set backs and sad things that would hit us but even though they were there, He was there too. He saw the things that i'm going through now before i even had any idea about them. i know He will lead me through them safely.

this week has been teaching me a lot. i need to learn how to let go of what I THINK is right and what i need to do and trust in God to take care of me.

"let go and let God"

i've heard that phrase so many times but i don't think i've ever really applied it truly to my life. i always said that i will submit and give into what God wants. but still... i fall back onto what I FEEL is right and what I THINK is what i need. i get scared and overwhelemed by the world.

so scared. more than anyone really knows or sees.
scared to fail
scared to let people down
scared to mess up my life
scared to come off as someone that can't do it
scared to show my weakness
scared to show who i really am
scared to expose what i dare not show anyone



i may come off cool and collected. like i know what i'm doing and everything. this poem says it all...

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That everything is ok with me
that Im confident,

and cool,

that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I dont need anyone.
But don't believe me. Please!

I wear a mask!

But beneath dwells the real me

in confusion,

in fear,

in loneliness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of exposing my weakness.

That's why I frantically hide behind these masks.
they help me pretend,

I dislike hiding, honestly

I hate this superficial phony game that Im playing...

Im so tired of this!

... I want to be KNOWN...

maybe deep down inside... i just need someone to know who I really am ..

someone to tell me what I can't tell myself,
someone to tell me that I'm really worth something. That I can be loved. That I can be forgiven.

But I wont tell you what I need.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that you'll think Im weak...

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of confidence without,
And a trembling child within.

So dont be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but cant say.

I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.

Are you wondering who I am?
you shouldn't
for I am everyman and everywoman here who wears a mask.

So Don't be fooled by me.
Dont be fooled by the face I wear

for I wear a mask - and none of them are me.




this was a poem i read at uprising. it says so much because... it's everyone...

even though i put up all these masks to hide who i really am and what i'm really all about... i'm so glad i have God. He knows the REAL me. HE was there with me through everything. there isn't one tear that i cried that He wasn't there to catch. i am His beloved.

david said it best when he wrote psalm 139.



life is filled with emotions. sad. happy. scared. lonely. excited. everything. things that may get the best of us at times. But God knows what we need to get through all of them. He is what we need.

just gotta learn how to let go, and let God.


only with Him and what He has blessed me with am i truly happy. where i find my true everlasting comfort. my everlasting joy.





hahaha. =D

anyways...

since cyn is probably the only one who reads my blog... hahaha. i am like you too. i got kinda lazy to blog. pictures are fun but... iono. it's like i have NO TIME.

school hit me like freaking an airplane crashing into your car while driving in traffic. wowsers... i could not even believe the amount of reading and workload i had to keep up with just for the 4 classes i have. mostly anatomy. everything else is pretty easy... but yeah. i was hella in shock of everything where i was so scared. i was so unsure if i could get any of it done. im pretty sure my hair turned just a little bit more white.

and getting used to this getting up early thing is taking it's tole on me. im sooo tired all the time. especially having to get used to it right after so many semesters not having to get up and all the vacations. sighhhhh.

but i wanna throw all of that negativity away and just focus on my blessings. =D

i have so much to be thankful for. clothes! it's been super cold lately and im so glad i got to buy clothes over break so i can be waaaaaaaaarm. and my house and bed! and my shower! hahaha. some people may think it's stupid to be so excited over simply my house and stuff kuz... they have it too. but i bet there are so many more people that are so much more deserving to these things than me. and things could be so much worse and yet... God didn't let it happen. He always provides and always will.

so i'm happy. He put me in this to give me hope, not to hurt me. =D

i'm good. yizzur.

bore dumb.

i love how things worked out that... when i had something to do later, i was totally sleepy. and now that i can't make it out to the thing, i'm pretty much totally awake with nothing to do.

zomy...

BLAH! ok now i'm kinda sleepy and yeah... i really don't want to sleep so i can sleep later. ugh. it's only 530..................................................

cmon school...

praise.

this song is awes. we sang it at bible study last night and it's just really wow.

I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise (trust) You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


it just give's the greatest imagery of how our lives can be in so much turmoil and sadness. that's how our life is. seriously. so much crap happens. but like... we have the answer to fix it all. all we have to do is just go to God with what we have and trust in His plan. like i've said over and over, His plans aren't to hurt us, but to give us a real future of hope and just mold us into a better person.

i'm so thankful for all the gifts we've been given from God. He could have just stopped with the gift of His son dying for us and tearing that veil that separated the world and Him, but He still continued to give. that's what i've been learning lately in my devotionals. they're really the things that keep me in check lately with everything that's been going on. they just keep my life right. i love it. i love Him.

God is really great yennoe. i've been really trying to invite kim to bible study but she usually has reasons not to come or just doesn't want to. but i knew that it wasn't in God's timing and that He would bring her when it was right. AND HE TOTALLY DID! like i wanted her to come last week but then after it was done i was like... ehh maybe it was good that she didn't. and it was right because God doesn't miss in His timing. when you get a no in life, it's God saying NO, or JUST BE STILL AND WAIT. so i did. and what i wanted was given to me. AND SO MUCH MORE! like she was super scared about it and was skeptical because... who wouldn't be? like its friday night, and all these people are just at church instead of out partying or whatever? it's pretty normal to feel that way. but i'm so thankful about how strong God is in all my SOS's lives that they were so welcoming and made everything so easy. i thought i would have to stick by her the whole time so she wouldn't feel alone or awkward, but everyone was so great. i was surprised i could go off and just... jam with kenneth and them while she was sitting talking to ate mia and others. they're awes. i seriously can't thank them all enough. i can't thank God enough.

i know my God is real. He has shown me time and time again what He can do and that He is always taking care of me. through any situation, God does what is right for me. He answers prayers. maybe not right away when i want it, but of course, it's not about my time. it's all about His time.




sorry if i haven't been putting up pictures lately. oh wells. =D praise God for everything else!

PROOF!

proof that my God is real! God totally answers prayers! even when i know i don't deserve what He gives, He continues to give so graciously. when times get tough and you feel weak like you're about to break TURN TO GOD! His love will totally catch you and with His time, NOT YOURS, everything will be beautiful.

SOOOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!

God is good, fair, loving, kind, in control, awesome, mighty to save, our lifeline, our king, our shepherd, and so so so so so so much more!

YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND FOREVER.

amen.




ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?!


<3God